"...My head is battling with my heart..All logic has been torn apart..."

You know, everyone has to do something they dont wana do in life. Something that they know will bring grief to all it involves. Well, let me tell you. That sometime, happened to me. And im plan to tell all who read this about how much it hurt, why i had to do it, why i shouldnt of done it, and just give you some insight on the pains in a bigg part of my life.

Some people loook back on life and remember the most painful thing they have ever expierenced. Some recall the day their boyfriend dumped them or the day their grandparents die. Well if it were up to me, i would tell you my whole life story. My life for me, has been a very painful expierence. I can recall every hurtful moment of it. The time my mom took me and my 2 other sisters on a train to California [in secret] to run away from my dad. The fighting had been so badd she just decided it was time to go. Mind you i was in second grade and didnt have any clue what the hell was going to begin with. But i knew what the fighting meant. I used to hide in my closet and hold my sisters and wait for it all to stop. We came back beacuse my oldest brother got sick. [arent you all so relieved] Or i can say the time when i was only 8, that i saw my parents driving off in the back of a cop car, with my dad in hand cuffs. Yeah the fighting got pretty damn badd. The cop lady came into my room..it was scary. My parents wanted a divorce. [thank God it didnt happen] Or i could just explain to the world how i used to have 3 other sisters. Not because one of them died at birth [sure feels like it] or died in a car accident. But because when my older sister Jennifer was 15 she got herself pregnant. The father left her. Flat On Her Ass. And my parents got her thru everything. She couldnt finish school here. So they sent her away to a special home for teenage mothers. It was a place in Camden. Yeah so that was five hours away. And we barely visited her. She only came down on the holidays. So yeah that where it all started. And from then on she got father and farther and father away. She actually pushed herself away. She cut everybody off. She kept my niece from me and my family. My niece would come to visit and not even remember my name, when i was the one who rocked her to sleep when her selfish mother couldnt, or just didnt have the patience to. Well she had another baby with a different guy. And the same things is happening. AGAIN. My niece barely knows me. She cries when i hold her. Bc the only people who do are her dad. Yeah not even my sister. To tell you the truth when my nieces from her come to visit. The dad of the second babu has to take them to see us. Its easy bc he works for my dad. But come on now. Hes practically the father of her first baby too. I havent had a real conversation with my older sister in years...I mean i cant even remember when. And that is Pathetic.

So yes there is quite a variety of painful times in my life. And i could go on and on about them. But i wont. 1) because it would take to long. and 2) because its beside the point. What im trying to get it is that, even tho my life just a pile of shit and full of hurtful times, the most painful thing happened today. Today i had to say words that made me sick to my stomache to even think about saying. Words that make me cry when i remember how i said them. You all know about me and Greg, right? Wait what am i saying. Of course you know. I couldnt shut up about it for the past week or so. Well i had just told him something that had been on my mind for a while. That the possiblity of me and him dropped considerably. That the overwhelming feeling of how much he cared for me scared me. And when i get scared and cant handle something, i run away. And i did just that. And for what? To sit here and cry and have second thoughts. To feel this huge weight of regret?!? That i shouldnt of done what i just did?!? I think it just hit me..Just when i started writing about what i did. It was then i realized what i did. And i dont think i should of done it. I think..That i really do need him..And feeling like i could never feel the same way as him doesnt seem so stupid. And that me feeling the same way doesnt seem so unlikely. But i dunno. This maybe a spur of the moment thing. I mean im still scared, out of my mind. But the thing i am sure of is, it hurts knowing that i told him that me and him wont ever be. And that i dont like him like that. And i dont like that feeling..THIS feeling. Im still very confused. ANd i am not sure what i want. But i do know i want Greg to be a part of it some how...I just hope he can wait for me to fugure this out..And him to know that i do care alot about him and do like him alot.

->>  Moi

"When i was born...I was destined to die...But now my fate lies in you..." - Me..[as always..unless stated otherwise]

Second Chances...Ah yes this is what will seem to be topic of todays disscussion. Or rather my disscssion. For you are simply read for enjoyment or just to know what going on inside the thing id like to call a brain. Second Chances. When one says this, what do you think of? One might think, "Another shot at something." Or perhaps, "Another try at achiving ones goal" While some may think the Second Chances are merely another try and something you've failed, i plan to give you a whole new insight on the words Second Chances.

For as long as i can allow myself to remember, all i ever wanted was a second chance. Another chace to prove myself worthy of what i wanted to obtained. The only times i can remember that i wanted a second chnace, was when it came to being in a relationship. I would get so close just to be shot down right before i got what i wanted. I would spend months trying to get the chance i deserved to prove myself. Or. I would get the first chance, and screw something up. I woudl then continue to chase after a chance, that in the end, i never got. There are so many relationships i could have had, that could of been awesome, if i was only give that second chance. Well i never got my chances. I would have died to have gotten one. I know how it feels to want something and never get a chance to have it. And for these exact reasons, i believe everyone deserves a second chance. Regardless of the circumstances. Because you just never know...

I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to love someone again. Just to give my heart out just as i did only once before. To let go of all doubt and fear. And just love with every last bit of me. If only the fear of letting go and subjecting ones self to pain werent so hard for me to look past...Maybe ot will just happen..Just in a single instant..So the fear would have been surpassed. And all could be heavenly..

Qoutes for Greg and Im out..Pce..-

"Its soo amazing how something so sweet..Has come and rearranged my life..Ive been kissed by destiny...Ohh heaven and came saved me..An angel was placed at my feet..This isnt ordinary..Hes loving me for ME..." - C.A

"Stripped of all make-up..No need for fancy clothes..No cover ups..Push ups..With him i dont have to put on a show..He loves every freckle..Every curve..Every inch of my skin..Fullfilling me entirely..Taking all of me..Hes real..He honest..Hes loving me for Me.." -C.A

->>  Moi

"If you wana be my love..i wana be ur star..Well come on and let me just know you need me too..Come on show me that you really want me..Yea we'll be so happy together..On and on ill give you all my love.."- Trish Thuy Trang "If you wana be my love.."

Hehe. Aint it cool how me and the girl that sings the song above have the same middle name. I think its pretty cool. Ya'll dont have to. Well i am currently listening to this very cute song. [the above quote] Yeah i like it alot...Obvisously!!

I am growing very skeptical lately. But i cant help but feel happy and good inside. I mean i do like him. When im around him, i can help but smile. No matter how lousy i feel. I see Alex walk by me in the hallway and i just wana cry. Not because i cant have him. Thats defintitley not it. But because he was such an ass and i was head over heels for him. I wanted to be with that fool. I believed, despite what everybody said, that people can change. That he could change. That not everybody is as what you see. That he wasnt like what everybody saw him as. But no. I was wrong. I was wrong in believing the best of people. That in reality he's just a shallow jerkoff who deserves nothing but a slap in the face. [given by yours truely] Pure negitive passion just swells up inside of me, and casades down my face. And i hate myself. No i beat myself up for even thinking a good thought about him and his awful personality. Sure i admit it. He's quite an attractive kidd. Till you get to know him. No not even get to know him. Because i barely know him and i know hes a jerk. So correction, Hes quite an attractive kidd. Till he says something. Yeah that sound about right. But back to what i was really trying to point out. Ok Ok. I see Alex and i wana cry, but then as soon as that loserr of a person wlks by. Up comes Greg. And all the tears disappear and instead of pure negitive passion swelling up inside of me. My heart swellings up to the size of fairly big sized balloon. And i just wana burst and be happy and put everyone in a good mood. I just wana dive into every emotion i feel when hes around. But then my logic gets the better of me. And i just cant. Its like im mentally restricted. Yup thats it. Mentaly Restricted. [Oooo i like the sound of that!!] I dont know what to say, what to do, how to act or what to be. I dont know if "Falling In Love"  is the best way to describe it. Because even the thought of saying threee little words to some one of the oppisite sex who isnt family just makes me wana cry. I just get this funny feeling in my stomache. Right now, when i think of the words "I love you" i think of suicide. I mean sure everybody thinks of about it. And feels like it realives them of some big weight. But can you really do it and mean it and actually want to? Everybody now a days throw those poor lil words around like it isnt something special. Back in the day, you didnt say i love you, unless you proposing or being proposed to. Now you just say it, to say it. I mean, sure ive said it and not really meant it. But those relationships lasted like a week or three at the most. But i did infact, say it once before and meant it. I truelly honestly thought i was in love with that certain kidd and that we would be together for a longg time. And he shattered me. He broke me into a million pieces and just left me there to shuffled around. Until someone decided to pick me up. I put all of my heart into what i thought we had. I would of given everything away to just be with him. Yet he could leave me at the drop of a hat. I dont wana get hurt like that ever again. I will do anything to avoid the pain that i felt. But i dont wana avoid Greg. I get the same happy feeling around him as i did with that loserr. Even if that loserr wasnt truelly genuine. But it felt real. Just as real as what im feeling now. I like the happy bubbly feeling. Its like being on a natural high, and i love every second of it. Ive been intoxicated. His poison runs thru my viens and is tearing up everybad feeling ive ever known. And while bring up those painful times, hurts. Im loving every second of what this feels like. If i get hurt its my fault. I cant be Mentaly Restricted anymore. I wana keep this emotion for as long as can. And nothing is going to get in my wayy. I can make my own mistakes. And if things dont work out. IF i can look back and remember how happy i am now. I think i am Ok with taking the risks.

Crazy what people will do for happiness, huh? We live to be happy. And its a natural instinct to wana smile and feel like u can doing anything. And that just what most people do. Anthing. People will do anything to be happy. And when they succeed, the eternal happiness they get will only make what they risked even more desireable....The feeling that you won something no one else can have..Makes you fall deeper and deeper into love...And thats how love lasts forever...

With that Im OUT!

->>  Moi

"I will sweep you off your feet...And make God regret he left an angel behind.."

That is the cutest quote i have ever read in my life!!!

Hope ya'll like the background. Cute isnt it? Damn i better get one of those rocks when i get married!! lol Not that it matters how the big the diamond is anyways..[who am i kidding..its all that matters lol j/k j/k..im not that materialistic, come on now] But it sure is pretty. I think the recent background i have now was like the 15th time i changed it. I just cant make up my mind! hehe.

Nothing really to say today. THings havent changed. Ill let you know if they do...

->>  Moi

"I finally realize how much you mean to me..."

I stayed home from school today..I slept thru most of it..I did infact watch "The Fifth Element", it was a real good movie indeed. Weird if i say so myself, but very good all the same.

The total amount of people i have spoken consist of only a few. Besides my family members i only talked to: Romey Meg and Tash. Yes arent i just the most popular person you know? Oh yeah and i got ONE instant message from Greg. It was just a bunch of kisses. [how sweet] Then he signed off. Well then i asked Romey if he happened to know Greg happened to be. And his reply just made my heart sink into the ground. "He's on his way to Maryland..For family reasons.." I knew of should gotten my ass out of bed this morning. Even if my body was aching A LoT. Well that explains why i got an instant message full of kisses. Thats Greg for you. It just goes to show you how much i really do like him. I guess i really do like him alot. But when i think about going out with him, i kind of hesitate. Im not sure why. Actually i am. Its because i dont want to hurt him. Me and Greg and our relationship is like an instant replay of my 6th 7th and 8th grade years all jammed packed into my freshman year at HSHS. Only in 6th 7th and 8th grade it was with my best friend Kevin. Kevin was such a sweetheart and he liked me alot. I even tried dating him. [quite a few times] But i just couldnt go thru with it. I mean when we werent going out and we talked i liked him, i wanted to be with him. And when he would ask me out, as soon as i said yes, all feeling for him just vanished. And i ened up breaking his heart alot. And i didnt mean to, i didnt want to. I just couldnt be with him the way he wanted me to. Partly beacuse i was so into his best friend Allen. Similarly i was very much into Greg's best friend Joe. [but he moved..] See its like history is repeating itself. But maybe its for a good reason. Maybe God is giving me a second chance. Only now the people have changed. Everything happens for a reason. So that must mean Joe moved for a reason. So that i could get my second chance. Ok, now im not so hesitant. I just pray to God i dont hurt him. I wouldnt be able to live with myself if i did. But this will be a risk i am willing to take. He means a lot to me and God was finally nice enoough to give me an opprotunity like this. And i plan to take full advantage of it..

->>  Moi